Whee Write

Shake and Bake

–Alexandria L.


Are you stressed? Sure you are. Baking is a great way to reduce stress! It’s a way for you to get creative and also eat what you make, so what could be better?

Today we’re making Betty Crocker’s Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Preheat your oven to 375. Don’t have an oven? Go get some firewood, make a contained fire (adhere to Smokey Bear’s rules), and cook them the old-fashioned way. Millennials and Gen Z don’t know how to rough it so take this opportunity to get creative and connect to the ever-complaining Baby Boomers!

First, you’ll need ¾ cup of granulated sugar and ¾ cup packed brown sugar.

Add in 1 cup of butter, softened. (The recipe says or margarine, but never ever do margarine).

  • If you’re environmentally conscious or have acne, substitute this for 1 cup of avocado. Dairy causes acne. Being environmentally conscious helps the world. If you’re not or don’t have an avocado on hand, add in the butter the old-fashioned way.

Add in 1 teaspoon of vanilla.

1 egg.

  • Free range if you have a heart. If you’re broke, an egg will do. If you’re vegan, you can do a banana or flaxseed or oil & water. See Google for quantity.

Now mix all that.

Stir in 2 ¼ cups of flour, 1 teaspoon of baking soda, and add ½ teaspoon of salt (preferably from your tears. Crying is a good way to alleviate stress and if you have acne, your tears will help clear your face. If you find you have no tears—sometimes we get so stressed, we can’t cry—extract that salt from your attitude).

The dough will be kind of stiff. But whatever. Stir in 12oz of semisweet chocolate chips (or you can do 2 cups).

And if you’re sadistic, you can add in 1 cup of coarsely chopped nuts. But why would you ever do that to a cookie? Unless you plan on exacting revenge on someone who is allergic to nuts. I would caution against that. You’ll probably be arrested or something. You don’t want to waste those tears in jail.

Finally, make little dough balls approximately 2 inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet. Don’t have a cookie sheet? Improvise. Grease it up if you have to. Question authority.

Bake it for 8-10 minutes in an oven. If you’re over an open fire, just watch them until they’re light brown. The centers should be soft.

The directions tell you to let them cool slightly on a wire rack, but who has that in college? Just move them onto a plate and eat. Don’t burn yourself. Make sure you’re responsible enough to turn off the oven or watch your fire die. The second could be a metaphor for your college career and you can meditate on where you’re headed. Otherwise, the oven provides you with a better sense of control even though control is an illusion we comfort ourselves with.

Eat and cry by yourself or with friends. Misery loves company, but sometimes you just need to binge watch The Office and eat cookies by yourself.




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